why do i even talk to you if you're going to criticize me?

look, you shouldn't be concerned with how i am or how i react to you.

things like that don't just settle. i think you're interesting though. i want to know what you've been through.

a good mother, that's all i want to be when i grow up.

Things that are affecting me +/-

-The way I present myself in public +

-The way I handle myself with my best friends -
-Currently being sick after this weekend (getting what I deserve?) -
-The way I handle myself with friends+
-Benjamin Buttons + for my esteem and curiosity, - for everything else
-Anxiety in class -

-ex-bf being away +
-Having a car +
-seeing other cities +

Okay

It's been a while since I posted on here and I think it's time to do so. If you know me then you know that what I expected out of the next few months, have been totally turned inside out..but I've been quite okay with that so far.
I decided rather impulsively that I'm moving back home. This probably should feel like a real disappointment for myself but there's more support here than there is in Philadelphia. I can't be left alone, I just can't, I'm alone in Philadelphia.. and I can't go seeking friends. And then I've started to become weird and sad when I finally am with people that I want to be around. It's confusing but that's what's been happening and it's ruined me. Home is where the heart is, so I'm here to feel better about things. But bare with me if I tend to eat too much, get quite, or constantly want to go out for coffee, it'll pass. I really wish that things unfolded better within the past year but now I can buy a car! This next month I'm going to splurge a little bit..really can't wait to go shopping.
I'm okay, really. Things always turn out okay.

Save Now

make this house a home

I hope that this next year can settle for a little bit. I want to see the future a little more clear than what it has been. This is mostly about school and my living situation. I hope things will turn out for the best between my friends. I'm ready to rid all the bad things from those people and start to enjoy them for who I really knew them to be. Gotta stop talking spit, listening to it and let people be who they really want to be. I'm glad I have the people I have though. I am really lucky.

Girls don't spit.

i've learned a lot in the past three weeks and i must say i like where this is going and how things are now. i finally feel like this is what i want. and if it doesnt work out..well i'm not too concerned about it because i know things are good and i will always be fine. that's a good feeling to have.

i know i've bitched about someone 'close' to me but i'm glad i can see how she is and how she lives her life so i don't live mine that way.. learning from other people's mistakes.. i don't want to be in a relationship that will make me and my surroundings miserable and knowing that i'm not in that position, or even close, makes me very thankful.

the city late at night all alone is a pretty awesome thing. i try not to let people bring me down so i decided to go to the logan fountain to pass the time. i didn't have to buy anything, i didn't have to force smiles, i just got to see the innocence in children. these four little kids were adorable and something must have been telling 'amberly' to come and ask me what my name was. she was like a saint or an angel or something of that nature. and we were just dead and happy in our after life, watching the water and feeling its cold relief and enjoying the company of one another. her face was beautiful and her spirit, like no other. it made me feel like teaching chlidren was the right thing to do.

i am angry with these adults.

today is my sister's birthday. she is turning 11 or 12, i don't even know. i've been absent in her life. i don't appreciate this situation that my family has put us in. it is so frustrating. i want to be there for her, i want to be a sister. i will never have another sister.

i hope her family situation gets better. she was adopted so she can have a better home and now that home is broken. that home that she's grown up in is empty. stay together for the kids? i don't even know the exact situation but i can just feel her heart and how broken or confused it is. the oldest of five, dealing with being the youngest and absent of three. she's not going to have that fairly tale family that i would always be jealous of but wanted so badly for her. how will this change my family, we only feel helpless in this situation.

i will see her tomorrow. she's going to look so much different from the last time, from last december. i hope she's oblivious of things and is so happy that it's her birthday.

divorce. cheating. whatever that can split two people up. can you ever really over come that sort of thing? i am angry with these adults.

I don't think I've ever been this concerned about what I've consumed throughout my day. I used to be carefree about whatever I ate and now it feels like a constant worry. Living with people who are so conscious of what they eat put a damper on things sometimes. I have to live more like I don't care. I used to be this way but lately its been about an image and how I want to be, not who I am. I want to be perfect in the way I see myself but I don't think things will ever happen the way I see them. I only need to be okay with myself and my little corner of the world, fuck the rest. This has been causing me too much headache.

Show up, shut up, let go.

i just gotta say emma roberts in lyme life was amazing. she was gorgeous the whole time. wow !an inspiration!

go here for pictures

http://fabulous-emma.com/photos/index.php?cat=92



i really wanna start something up. i have to get my shit together and stop being such a bitch about everything. let's goo abbey! waake up!

Here's some promises to myself.

-Never have a drinking or drug problem.
-Be there for my children, especially in their adolescence.
-Plant a garden.

all your fault

I don't know anymore about mother. Today I said "even when she's sober she fucks things up." I sound pretty shitty but without her, there would be one less thing to worry about. You've had plenty of second chances to be in my life. You're priorities are all fucked up. Life is far from normal when you're around. It's because of you that I don't have a little sister who lives with me. I don't have the ability to be a full-time sister because you fucked up. You fucking bitch. You selfish fucking slut. You're only connection with the family was for money and cigarettes. you didn't give a shit when i visited you in those annoying fucking rehabs. You'll be nothing forever. I don't think you'll ever recover for good, I just try to give a shit because I'd feel bad if you died. Just go fucking die already so we can all get on with our lives.

ouch

I've always had this thought in my head that if I wasn't around you or paid enough attention to you when you were free, you'd go back into the cycle and it would be my fault, you could blame me but this time you can't. In one way it shows how much you don't need me in your life or recovery. In another its saying you weren't thinking of me. Either way it hurts, I can dig deep and find a means to make the situation better or how I could have done differently but how many times do I need to do this until the truth comes to the surface? How many times is this going to happen before you understand? How many times before I stop caring? How am I going to know if this is the last time? My life and success is all because of you but I'm sick of using you as a reason, but I will use you in that way as long as you fail me time and time again. I make myself believe that I should feel guilty when I have my fun with the substance you have abused. I'm tired of your problem controlling my life. I want to do what I want to do. You can't be absent as a mother the whole time I was a kid and now expect to keep me in your arms now that I'm becoming an adult. I'm getting out of here, it might be too late for us and that's not going to be my fault. That's you.

note to self:

I'm going to take this time to say FUCK YOU.
relapse! relapse! relapse! what a BIG surprise.

I will never be like you.

HEY!

soo this was my last day at drexel (i'm still going to try to make it to the gym though). my next month and a half will be dedicated to me. i'm going to do whatever i want. first off going to miami with dingleberry then (VS bikini dayum)..there's nothing in the cards. i'm going to try to volunteer, help my resume a bit. my roommate suggested working with her, as part of the drug and alcohol rehabilitation staff. i'm not opposed to the idea at all, it's in bensalem though which is pretty far away...

anyway what i really wanted to say was: with more free time, i'd like to sew more often. but i'm used to sewing on myself and not making clothes for others...if you have something you want me to make i'd be glad to do it for you (just buy the fabric,etc.) i'll gain more experience, which would be great. (kind of what bree's doing with free hair cuts) soo keep me in mind k?

i'm also looking to buy a decent bike for about $100 or less. any suggestions or tips, let me know.

the note seems pointless now that the problem is gone. its a constant negative reminder.

It's finished! and it only took less than one day! fabric was only $6 and the belt was $2. this is a bad emo picture...but you get it.


when cutting the skirt i made a mistake and didn't cut enough..but i'm going to turn it into a high waisted pencil skirt. i've never worn those out in public or had a reason to so take me out. here's a picture from aa. mine's going to be black, different fabric and much cheaper than aa (less than $2!!)




i also bought lace so i'll be making some undies!

okay that was stupid

i just wanted to say that these mittens are so cute..

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=21511079


i haven't started on the dress yet and thinking about what i planned to do today (go home and probably do nothing) would be a silly idea b/c i'll be around on Tuesday and Thursday. I have a research paper to write but I can't make myself get it done until last minute (which is tonight). So until it reaches that point, I'm going to start making my dress.

also if you're into this kind of crafty stuff check out craftster.org they have a ton of DIY projects.

love will tear us apart again

I'm gonna start putting things on here that I would like to sew. Tell me what you think about it, whatever. Hopefully I won't post again until I've completed the first project. Here's the first one:

I saw the movie Control, the one about Joy Division and this one dress is still stuck in my head even two weeks after I saw the movie. The pictures are horrible, but it seems like its a circle skirt with a collared button down shirt with some cute detail. I think it seems easy enough. Plus I have a pattern in "Sew You" by Wendy Mullin (the chick who does the 'Built by Wendy' patterns) for the top. I want to finish it before Spring begins because that's when i think the time will be appropriate.


Sorry the pictures are fuzzy. It's the best that I got..

And another...


picture from urban outfitters. i'm interested to see how this would turn out b.c i don't really like the way it holds to her body, and all other pictures seem to look silly too.. but we'll see, really depends on the fabric. i have a gray turtle neck, and a blue but i think i like my blue too much to cut it up. i also have a mustard tneck sweater but finding a fabric to match would be hard also not good for spring time since it is a sweater.


cool i hope this will work out.

get over it

the girls who think that girls are stupid...are stupid. get over yourself. we're all the same from a distance. we all cry, get too worked up over boys, act cool when we really aren't. your life isn't new, your ideas aren't new so stop being a bitch if you're being a bitch.

today was a good day. on the subway home though i was thinking there was nothing that i was really coming home to, which kind of sucks. i can't move back home either. smoking, family dinners, 'authority', and having obligations to my family just isn't my thing anymore. i want to be near my friends who won't tell me what to do with my life. i don't really care anymore about what my future entails. all i know is i don't want to be at home because of money and i don't want to continue to suckle on the big fat fucking tit of my grandma like most of my family does. i'm almost free from my family's bullshit but now i feel that they won't let go of the leash.

i guess i will be job hunting, applying for community college, and figuring out how to get out of drexel and staying in the city.

I fucking love wifeswap.

Weird

So today was my first day at school without taking a shower..I woke up at the time I was suppose to leave and I HATE that. Greasy hair, face, smelly pits. Disgusting. I've learned that I can't go to bed late..even at twelve.

I've been doing this thing and I do not know why but I think I'm always obsessing over something/one. Even though I hate to relate myself to certain people, it's no lie that we have a lot in common. And for some reason, just now it's brought me comfort. Like a female force kind of thing..that we can rise up and overcome this bullshit that tares females apart. But that's wishful thinking. Like I said, I'm not any different from you.

Also it's weird to think what an impact you make on people because of your past decisions and those decisions they've made to influence your life. Coincidences are a weird thing and I believe they're suppose to mean something. I hope they would anyway because it makes life that much more interesting.

I've had another thought too. I want to be a good mother one day and that's greatly influencing my change of major, as well as my love for sewing. That's important to me because my mom was never there as a mother growing up (blah blah). I like to think I came out okay though with that experience (However, I can be a brat). So looking to the waay future I want to have a husband who loves me and our kids, a comfortable house, basically a happy, healthy life, just like anyone else wants for their future. I'm just afraid that if I live happily ever after, somehow my kids will turn out to be assholes to me, take advantage of others and not know how to have a conversations. And because of that I think maybe a marriage isn't ultimetly what I want. And now I don't know what to think. I probably shouldn't even be thinking about this. You can't constantly think of the way you want your future to be and expect it to turn out that way. It doesn't work like that. This is what I've been doing all day.


[Insert picture of snowy church here]


I'm okay with winter as long as I got my boots and fresh powdered snow.

What is she even thinking?

Ugh, I just want to throw up. When I'm not thinking-rather obsessing-over shit, something hits me and I'm involuntary involved with it again. How is it that some days I'm over things, couldn't care less but then others it really hurts my feelings?


I really like that sometimes I can make the day better again all by myself, I might not have those dependency issues I thought I had..maybe.

where's my christmas present?

the fucked up things in this world are being more and more easily excused in my head as the older i get. like there is a legitimate reason why adults suck so much or why people don't follow their dreams. this is more based on a public viewing than private. i like to make up stories about people i don't know. when i was younger i never thought i'd be doing screwy things but i am. i can relate on a personal level and excuse it easily but atleast i'm still happy.

these past couple days have been slowing me down. i'm so tired and the lack of motivation is kicking in again. let's see how i start my day off at 1 in the afternoon..

Show up. Shut up. Let go.