wow. so alot has been going on lately. just one thing after another. it's difficult to feel so much anger towards so few people. i've become immune and not much of it is a surprise. that's sad.
john took me to the pinnacle on sunday. it was tiring and uphill but i reached the highest point in pennsylvania. and it was worth it. the view was beautiful. one of my favorite things about being up high (like in a p
lane or on a mountain) is the shadow of the clouds casted on the land. i kept thinking of that death cab song 'recycled air'. then later that night went to that show at brian's house. i tend to get quiet when i'm tired, also cranky. but being tired helped me not think about getting my wisdom teeth pulled the next day. the laughing gas was awesome and i went out like a light. (is that even an expression?) i slept on the ride home and the first thing i did when i got inside was take pictures of my bloody mouth. i had to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity. sometimes i wonder about myself though. but i'm no trouble not like some people.i cannot stand people who you knew in middle school or elementary
school trying to be your friend again. like you had some great connection when you were going through puberty or something. we were young and that's not who we are today. you are all different as am i so its just like talking to a stranger. and to me a waste of time and energy. i have not talked to this kid for about three months, been ignoring his calls and all forms of communication with me. frankly because i know he is a lunatic and didn't want to get tied into all his bullshit, i have plenty of my own. and i don't feel bad about saying because i am not his friend or want to be. i am not going to waste my time with someone because i feel bad that they don't have any friends or someone to talk to. that isn't my job. i've gotten drunk angry calls from my mother before, but never from someone who claims that we are friends. i am as selfish as anyone out there, i am no different. i cannot help someone going through depression. and i'm not starting now. i will not be on the recieving end of a phone call yelling screaming at me that they should kill themselves. i'm 18, not a doctor, i'm not even in the right state of my own mind, being on pain killers from an operation i had earlier in the day. i can't deal with fucked up people, i'm not willing to help with someone i have no control over. this is why i want to surround myself with friends who are good people, who don't do drugs or abuse alcohol. if i wanted that lifestyle i would already be like that. don't drag me down if you are a shitty person, i'm already shitty enough.
and when i said i felt safe in my philadelphian neighborhood, we'll i was just told that there is a crazy rapist near frankford, girard, fishtown. read it here.i'm not there now but even being at home i don't feel a safe cozy feeling. some men are disgusting pigs. even ones that you consider family. and especially ones that don't write you back.
i'm just thankful i have forgiving friends with big hearts. i've made plenty of mistakes too.
p.s none of these photos were edited. my camera is broken and i used my imagination.
