visited my mother today. it has never been this good for this long. i have such high hopes for her. for once in my life i'm taking advice from her and not just doing the opposite of what she did to succeed. such a good feeling to have a visit where i'm not holding back tears or something hurtful to say. she's been a role model to her peers too which is awesome to hear and see.

when i was born, maybe my father never loved my mother. maybe my life didn't consist of heavy planning. maybe i was just a catalyst for a better family. but good things do come out of shitty situations even if its been a shitty situation for 18 years. i would never appreciate a moment like this at any younger of an age. bad things happen and bad people can turn into good people and allow good things to happen in their lives.

shes a beautiful woman.

i'm skipping my classes again today. i went to borders and looked at some self-help books and in the same aisle i saw retirement books. i wanted to find a book to justify why i shouldn't go to college, no luck.  but i picked up a retirement book, something about being happy when you retire. i thought it was the weirdest thing. "you can still live life after work." really? why is retirement suppose to be the happiest time of your life.. why not right now. why can't i retire now?

get me out of this hell.

AM

i wrote my initials in wet cement today. good feeling.

www.asofterworld.com

i feel so sorry for myself all the time. booooooo hoooooooooo. waaah.

my socks are too tight

I think I've gotten so used to having someone near all the time that I don't know how to act when it seems like no one could give a shit about me. All I do is freak out. Nothing is any more wrong than what's always going on. I don't know how to deal with it now except write a stupid blog in hopes that someone will read it and pity me or some shit. That's stupid. I don't want pity. I just want a teddy to hold onto or someone in this house. Some interaction with someone that isn't a stranger. A little bit of noise that isn't a cd player. Fuck boys and the hold they have (had) on me. Just going through the motions to pass the time. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.