I would really enjoy some company and a zombie movie tonight. The house is already empty enough, gonna suck when theres only Tia and I. It's cold here too. It was nice Christian came over last night. Days are getting better but they still suck. I have all this work and no motivation (or time). I did reply to this Craigslist Ad for handing out flyers to college students for a t-shirt company. Its called Pop Vulture and I'm excited to see how this turns out. Check it out, order a T-shirt or just read some of the blogs. http://www.popvulturetshirt.com/ I know this is going to be a good opportunity for me. 

The other night was a pretty bad one for me. It wasn't a good feeling to know I couldn't go downstairs, find my grandmother on the couch watching a silly TV show, and just sit there on her lap while she gave me a big warm hug. I love and miss my family even though they drive me crazy sometimes. I wish my head was different or something stable going on in my life right now. I haven't felt this bad in about a year. Maybe its this season, I love the fall though. I really don't know. okay done crying.

ruining memories

i'm really silly and selfish. maybe there will be a sequel?

"I just try to find glitches in everything"

I'm starting to understand what all this shit about big businesses and chains are about. I work at Rite-Aid on the weekends now doing stupid price changes, setting sales and wasting a lot of paper and cardboard. Everything is done on-line or with machines now, you think they would figure out an efficient way to get this shit done.. Anyway their whole slogan is "it's personal with us" or some bullshit. Does this company really think we want to be personal with customers that literally come and go? If you want personal go to a privately owned shop and make connections that way. At least they understand the products in their store, and yeah they're still trying to make a profit but they won't put their Christmas decorations out before fucking Halloween has even passed.. All these people want is your money, and sometimes it makes me sick that I'm apart of something like that. The people working in the store, my co-workers, are regular people, people who don't give a shit if we don't have that particular beauty product to stop your tits to sag, we're just trying to make some money to have a life of our own, most are just trying to take care of their kids. And how does this company expect us to give a shit when we're only making 7.25 an hour but the district manager rides up in his silver shiny car telling us to tell our customers to transfer their prescriptions to Rite Aid and "Get up to $120 back!!" And our reward if it gets accomplished is $50 in our pocket..yeah right. Can't we just put the fucking pamphlet in their bag? No, we have to make it personal. "Hey there person who I don't know anything about, I'm going to waste my time (and yours) telling you to you're going to get money if you get your ass in here more often to spend even more money, see I understand this company  and the message it holds: WE JUST WANT YOUR MONEY and you're low self esteem self in our store." Hah, I'm just rambling now but I feel like things would be more personal if our reason to be nice to you wasn't run by money. But everything is ran that way. The cheaper the product, the darker the story, but the "better" you feel because you didn't spend that much. But what can we Americans do, everywhere you buy (yeah even target) gets their cheap shit from horrible places. Other places just seem better because of the way its merchandised and of course that's what I'm going to school for, haha. I'm going to try to buy more things from independent owners, people who want your money but aren't bossed around by planograms and deadlines that don't make any sense. 

I have an urge to fall down, get a scrape, and yell fuck alot. Physically and emotionally. 

My relationship with my mother is forming. I have forgiven her over and over. I always will, she's my mother and that's just the kind of person I am. Before I wondered if I started to give a shit about her recovery, started visiting her, maybe she would get better. But figured it's not my business, not my fault. Now shes at some rehab on Broad and Spring Garden so she's really close. Literally every Saturday I see her. She has AA meetings near my school so I even get to have lunch with her during my classes on Friday. We're starting to understand eachother, although I think she's learning more about me, more about being a "mother". She says she doesn't want to use or drink. She's in a city full of bars and drug dealers so to me, that's an incredible accomplishment. I believe her too. She doesn't like where she's at, she's really trying to get out of there and start living a normal life away from the city. But shit isn't working out with the apartment she is getting. Pissed she said to me "Maybe I'll max out and go back to Muncy" (something like that. Muncy is the female prison she was at, and I have no idea exactly what max out means.)Obvisouly, Muncy isn't good, it's a step back. And it's frustrating because now I have to be around her as much as I can. I would feel very responsible if things fucked up for her. When I had work last week she went to Norristown to hang out with an old friend. Norristown is my least favorite town, made my mother into the piece of shit she can be. It's where she ran away from me and my grandma at a fucking McDonalds probably to go hang out with that stupid fuck she was with. Me and my friends laugh at it now although its still heartbreaking. Basically what I'm trying to say is sometimes I don't want to be around her but I'm going to feel bad if I say no. 

I'm not a good girlfriend. I'm a poor person. And I'm not sure when it's going to change. 

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I guess I should shut up about all my opinions. I'm no better. My feelings change where ever I am, or where I want to be. I'm stupid. I just want to buy clothes. I'm gonna do something so fun this summer, since it will be my only summer until I graduate.