New Year's Resolutions

1.Routine.
It could be every night I read a good book, or having a morning routine,clean every Sunday. I've despised doing the same thing over and over like in high school but I barely have anything steady going for me. Day's go by too fast and I can't remember them.
2. Make new friends.
I mean like real friends from Drexel. Someone that will actually hang out with me down in the city. I love all my friends but with our busy lives its been hard to just be girls like it used to. Which brings me to my other resolution..
3. Hang out with Cheryl more.
This girl's my best friend, we were so excited to be in the same city, but we never get to see each other. I want Saturday On Demand Movie Morning like in 8th grade. This goes to all my friends in the city. We're so close!
4. Stop.
I do this thing sometimes where I make a big deal out of something that in the end seems to be pointless. I want to stop doing that.
5. Money.
I want to eliminate stupid spending especially on food.
6. More time for me.
Quit my job, have my weekends back, sew more, listen to new music.
7. Don't mess up a good thing.
I've been pretty good at that in the past year, going to change that.
8. Do school right.
Here we go again! It will be different this time.

"It's all in your head" so is everything but he didn't get it..

I hate not knowing if all my feelings about school are b/c i'm 'depressed' or if its just not my thing. I scheduled my next quarter, all my classes in the morning over by 4. so i'll have more time to get my work done, more time to myself, and more time to socialize. If I'm going to try to do this again, I'm going to try to do it right. Make more friends and put myself out there. If I'm not involved in campus I'm not going to want to go to campus. I don't know..I just can't deal with being a failure in school or out. Something will work out.

visited my mother today. it has never been this good for this long. i have such high hopes for her. for once in my life i'm taking advice from her and not just doing the opposite of what she did to succeed. such a good feeling to have a visit where i'm not holding back tears or something hurtful to say. she's been a role model to her peers too which is awesome to hear and see.

when i was born, maybe my father never loved my mother. maybe my life didn't consist of heavy planning. maybe i was just a catalyst for a better family. but good things do come out of shitty situations even if its been a shitty situation for 18 years. i would never appreciate a moment like this at any younger of an age. bad things happen and bad people can turn into good people and allow good things to happen in their lives.

shes a beautiful woman.

i'm skipping my classes again today. i went to borders and looked at some self-help books and in the same aisle i saw retirement books. i wanted to find a book to justify why i shouldn't go to college, no luck.  but i picked up a retirement book, something about being happy when you retire. i thought it was the weirdest thing. "you can still live life after work." really? why is retirement suppose to be the happiest time of your life.. why not right now. why can't i retire now?

get me out of this hell.

AM

i wrote my initials in wet cement today. good feeling.

www.asofterworld.com

i feel so sorry for myself all the time. booooooo hoooooooooo. waaah.

my socks are too tight

I think I've gotten so used to having someone near all the time that I don't know how to act when it seems like no one could give a shit about me. All I do is freak out. Nothing is any more wrong than what's always going on. I don't know how to deal with it now except write a stupid blog in hopes that someone will read it and pity me or some shit. That's stupid. I don't want pity. I just want a teddy to hold onto or someone in this house. Some interaction with someone that isn't a stranger. A little bit of noise that isn't a cd player. Fuck boys and the hold they have (had) on me. Just going through the motions to pass the time. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

I would really enjoy some company and a zombie movie tonight. The house is already empty enough, gonna suck when theres only Tia and I. It's cold here too. It was nice Christian came over last night. Days are getting better but they still suck. I have all this work and no motivation (or time). I did reply to this Craigslist Ad for handing out flyers to college students for a t-shirt company. Its called Pop Vulture and I'm excited to see how this turns out. Check it out, order a T-shirt or just read some of the blogs. http://www.popvulturetshirt.com/ I know this is going to be a good opportunity for me. 

The other night was a pretty bad one for me. It wasn't a good feeling to know I couldn't go downstairs, find my grandmother on the couch watching a silly TV show, and just sit there on her lap while she gave me a big warm hug. I love and miss my family even though they drive me crazy sometimes. I wish my head was different or something stable going on in my life right now. I haven't felt this bad in about a year. Maybe its this season, I love the fall though. I really don't know. okay done crying.

ruining memories

i'm really silly and selfish. maybe there will be a sequel?

"I just try to find glitches in everything"

I'm starting to understand what all this shit about big businesses and chains are about. I work at Rite-Aid on the weekends now doing stupid price changes, setting sales and wasting a lot of paper and cardboard. Everything is done on-line or with machines now, you think they would figure out an efficient way to get this shit done.. Anyway their whole slogan is "it's personal with us" or some bullshit. Does this company really think we want to be personal with customers that literally come and go? If you want personal go to a privately owned shop and make connections that way. At least they understand the products in their store, and yeah they're still trying to make a profit but they won't put their Christmas decorations out before fucking Halloween has even passed.. All these people want is your money, and sometimes it makes me sick that I'm apart of something like that. The people working in the store, my co-workers, are regular people, people who don't give a shit if we don't have that particular beauty product to stop your tits to sag, we're just trying to make some money to have a life of our own, most are just trying to take care of their kids. And how does this company expect us to give a shit when we're only making 7.25 an hour but the district manager rides up in his silver shiny car telling us to tell our customers to transfer their prescriptions to Rite Aid and "Get up to $120 back!!" And our reward if it gets accomplished is $50 in our pocket..yeah right. Can't we just put the fucking pamphlet in their bag? No, we have to make it personal. "Hey there person who I don't know anything about, I'm going to waste my time (and yours) telling you to you're going to get money if you get your ass in here more often to spend even more money, see I understand this company  and the message it holds: WE JUST WANT YOUR MONEY and you're low self esteem self in our store." Hah, I'm just rambling now but I feel like things would be more personal if our reason to be nice to you wasn't run by money. But everything is ran that way. The cheaper the product, the darker the story, but the "better" you feel because you didn't spend that much. But what can we Americans do, everywhere you buy (yeah even target) gets their cheap shit from horrible places. Other places just seem better because of the way its merchandised and of course that's what I'm going to school for, haha. I'm going to try to buy more things from independent owners, people who want your money but aren't bossed around by planograms and deadlines that don't make any sense. 

I have an urge to fall down, get a scrape, and yell fuck alot. Physically and emotionally. 

My relationship with my mother is forming. I have forgiven her over and over. I always will, she's my mother and that's just the kind of person I am. Before I wondered if I started to give a shit about her recovery, started visiting her, maybe she would get better. But figured it's not my business, not my fault. Now shes at some rehab on Broad and Spring Garden so she's really close. Literally every Saturday I see her. She has AA meetings near my school so I even get to have lunch with her during my classes on Friday. We're starting to understand eachother, although I think she's learning more about me, more about being a "mother". She says she doesn't want to use or drink. She's in a city full of bars and drug dealers so to me, that's an incredible accomplishment. I believe her too. She doesn't like where she's at, she's really trying to get out of there and start living a normal life away from the city. But shit isn't working out with the apartment she is getting. Pissed she said to me "Maybe I'll max out and go back to Muncy" (something like that. Muncy is the female prison she was at, and I have no idea exactly what max out means.)Obvisouly, Muncy isn't good, it's a step back. And it's frustrating because now I have to be around her as much as I can. I would feel very responsible if things fucked up for her. When I had work last week she went to Norristown to hang out with an old friend. Norristown is my least favorite town, made my mother into the piece of shit she can be. It's where she ran away from me and my grandma at a fucking McDonalds probably to go hang out with that stupid fuck she was with. Me and my friends laugh at it now although its still heartbreaking. Basically what I'm trying to say is sometimes I don't want to be around her but I'm going to feel bad if I say no. 

I'm not a good girlfriend. I'm a poor person. And I'm not sure when it's going to change. 

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

I guess I should shut up about all my opinions. I'm no better. My feelings change where ever I am, or where I want to be. I'm stupid. I just want to buy clothes. I'm gonna do something so fun this summer, since it will be my only summer until I graduate.

what's good?

i know what's good for me and i knew what was good for me. i figure that i just tried pushing things away to overcome them and to feel like i accomplished something new, all on my own. i figure that i was trying to put myself in a 'coming of age' movie, me being the main character and everyone else in my life just getting in the way. but really the only thing that stops me is myself. i know i wouldn't be doing the things i am now without the company of my best friend. he puts me out there, makes me feel so safe, cares, his bed is so comfortable, hes my first, and continues to forgive me everyday. the feelings i want to have are based on what i've experienced. but the actual feelings i am feeling are different from what i've known. i'm not giving in, there isn't a point i'm trying to make, i'm simply living and loving life with someone i really like. 

i 'm trying not to say anything anymore.

you know what i hate the most?

when people you hoped to have a good friendship with turn out to suck. and there's nothing you can do about it. and you really want to be their friend but you know you should just stay away or else it will cause more shit. that stinks. and its usually the people you least expect it to be. theres atleast two cases in my head right now like that. meh. 

you're not worth the food between her teeth

wow. so alot has been going on lately. just one thing after another. it's difficult to feel so much anger towards so few people. i've become immune and not much of it is a surprise. that's sad.


john took me to the pinnacle on sunday. it was tiring and uphill but i reached the highest point in pennsylvania. and it was worth it. the view was beautiful. one of my favorite things about being up high (like in a plane or on a mountain) is the shadow of the clouds casted on the land. i kept thinking of that death cab song 'recycled air'. then later that night went to that show at brian's house. i tend to get quiet when i'm tired, also cranky. but being tired helped me not think about getting my wisdom teeth pulled the next day. the laughing gas was awesome and i went out like a light. (is that even an expression?) i slept on the ride home and the first thing i did when i got inside was take pictures of my bloody mouth. i had to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity. sometimes i wonder about myself though. but i'm no trouble not like some people.

i cannot stand people who you knew in middle school or elementary school trying to be your friend again. like you had some great connection when you were going through puberty or something. we were young and that's not who we are today. you are all different as am i so its just like talking to a stranger. and to me a waste of time and energy. i have not talked to this kid for about three months, been ignoring his calls and all forms of communication with me. frankly because i know he is a lunatic and didn't want to get tied into all his bullshit, i have plenty of my own. and i don't feel bad about saying because i am not his friend or want to be. i am not going to waste my time with someone because i feel bad that they don't have any friends or someone to talk to. that isn't my job. i've gotten drunk angry calls from my mother before, but never from someone who claims that we are friends. i am as selfish as anyone out there, i am no different. i cannot help someone going through depression. and i'm not starting now. i will not be on the recieving end of a phone call yelling screaming at me that they should kill themselves. i'm 18, not a doctor, i'm not even in the right state of my own mind, being on pain killers from an operation i had earlier in the day. i can't deal with fucked up people, i'm not willing to help with someone i have no control over. this is why i want to surround myself with friends who are good people, who don't do drugs or abuse alcohol. if i wanted that lifestyle i would already be like that. don't drag me down if you are a shitty person, i'm already shitty enough.

and when i said i felt safe in my philadelphian neighborhood, we'll i was just told that there is a crazy rapist near frankford, girard, fishtown. read it here.

i'm not there now but even being at home i don't feel a safe cozy feeling. some men are disgusting pigs. even ones that you consider family. and especially ones that don't write you back.


i'm just thankful i have forgiving friends with big hearts. i've made plenty of mistakes too.





p.s none of these photos were edited. my camera is broken and i used my imagination.

Your hope for hope is at an end.

the move was quick. i can't believe we're here. the neighborhood is nice. i don't feel threatened really at all. went looking for a job, just stupid ones. hopefully something thats flexible. my school schedule is pretty packed (monday and wednesday, less on tuesday friday, and only one class thursday.) i'm excited though. i've already made a couple new friends from school and they seem great. my first real bike ride today. fell off but i got real tough quick. a little black girl was laughing at me. haha. got the internet and cable today. hopefully i'm not a hermit but there are a lot more exciting things than the computer here. everything is very accessible which can be good but bad for money. i get my smart teeth taken out this monday. having lunch with mother saturday. i'll be home all next week probably. i wish i had some pictures.



still having the same thoughts. just don't leave me alone with myself for too long.

i'll watch your world cave in.

i can't change my mould

nothing is satisfying, right now nothing. i hate the responsibility that will be placed on me but responsibility is what i'm looking forward to. i don't want to be this fucking low life i am right now, i'm young and i'm suppose to be but i tend to hate everything more when i don't have anything to do or when there is no motivation. i am happy when i'm forced into something but can't stand you forcing me into this bullshit again. there's a reason. i'm really frustrated right now. i need not to be alone thinking about how fucking retarded i am or how much i hate everyone. i'm happier when i fake a smile to a stranger. actually i think i love swimming in my own bullshit. i feel the cycle approaching.

however i really believe routine and responsibility will make me happy. but happiness to me is distraction. a job, an education, rent and bills to pay, a schedule for my day and constant to do lists will distract me from me. excellent.

when will you do what you say you'll do

sometimes all it takes is a little bit of effort. and a postage stamp.



I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man.
This is why I will be leaving
And this is why, I can't see you no more.
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever

I don't want be a bad women
And I can't stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can't see you no more
This is why I am lying when I say
That I don't love you no more

I'll be happy on the day it dies.

It's nice to know you lost something that never actually meant anything special. Like the stupid shit in my room that I hold onto just in case. Just throw it away or use it for inspiration.

independence day.

like a sad fucking puppy

I hate myself. I'm doing everything for the wrong reasons and I can't control it. I've tried before and it just doesn't work. It's all your fucking fault too. I'm blaming this on you, I said no but it happened anyway and now there's some annoying attachment that means everything to me and nothing to you. I can't stand it anymore. I got let out of my cage and now I'm forcing myself to get back in. Constantly going back and forth.

I REALLY HATE SMEARED EYE LINER

Ever have a jail inmate ask to live with you? Well I have, in fact, it just happened. I don't remember the last time I heard from my mom. Maybe like two months ago? She couldn't even call to say "Happy Graduation", but made it such a big deal for my brother's last year. I don't do shit for her either and I'm definitely not starting now. You're going to pay rent? That's a funny joke! When have you ever paid for anything in your life? You're fucking mom still offers you places, and that bitch doesn't even want to co-sign on a fucking loan for me. This is a little fucked up. That's okay though, I guess. I'll figure this shit out on my own, and show this whole world up, just like I've been doing with this family. And I want to be mad but I really have no reason, they have been here for my entire life. I feel like something is holding me back here. What is it, who is it, is it really worth it? I wish things could get settled with this apartment but I probably need a job first and some fucking credit! I'm going to call a retarded chick farm today, already applied for the credit caaaard fuck.


Maybe I'll pick up some makeup remover and hate myself some more.

cute, memory blog. aww!

For about the past year I have kept my receipts, in hope of receiving my bank statements and stapling the receipts to the back of my bank statement to show proof that I actually bought these items. Why I was doing this? I don't really know, at one point it seemed stupid, I know what I'm buying, but now I'm glad I did. I sorted them according to gas, clothes, food and other. Added them up and figured that I had spent atleast $1412.10 using my checking card.
Spent atleast
$422.65 on gas
$170.47 on food
$539.25 on clothes
$279.73 on other crap


...so that doesn't really tell me much except that maybe I wasted all this money, which doesn't really seem like a lot. Anyway, the whole point of this is that with every receipt, there's a little memory! Who I was with, what I was buying, the ridiculous things I was wasting my time on. I have a bad memory and this kind of helps.

happiest night of my life.

i'll always be searching for something better, but this is it.

you get so high and then you get solo

i stole some bread from a supermarket but decided to give it back once i saw firemen, took a bite of the bread anyway and discovered it was moldy. it made sense to me this morning.

i'm excited.

i'm waiting


and i'll blame myself for that or the fact that i'm of the female race.


vroom
vroom

i'm surrounded by great people.

today was a great time. just what i wanted. a car packed full on the way to freedom. i love my friends. and i'm appreciating them more everyday. a group of people who just make you smile like a little girl. the time didn't feel wasted? no time wasted?! that is the best. i am very happy with things, at least in this moment. i just wish everyone could be as happy me.

bree, tiapia and i are looking at two apartments tomorrow. i hope it will be everything we dreamed it would be. we're going to have the flyest place around.


there are alot of things i am looking forward to!

using exclamation points make me feel stupid.

itch

i have this feeling that the day is wasted, every single day. there is never enough time to accomplish all that i want to. but the good thing about this feeling is that it won't be around for too long. without responsibilities or deadlines i can do whatever i want. no pressure no pressure. you know what summer is all about? nothing.



i'm thinking this way. in simple shapes. to make out YOUR face.



model:elisa

im feeling tired

of all these failing tires.

california or bust

i sit in my car with some of my friends and dream of driving far away. well use my little light to read maps at night, listen to endless amounts of music and throw all our cell phones out the window on a lonely highway, all at the same time. without a purpose at all or maybe to just lie on the beaches and enjoy the summer sand. the sky will be blue, the money wouldn't be a problem, we would meet silly people and take silly pictures of them. no obligations, no where to sleep, no one to come home to. just you with your thick glasses, and you with your scarred skin, you and your girlfriend's blank stare, and me with my purple hair and blackened eye.

fucked up fathers

obsessions are weird and they need to stop. no one wants to come home because of yours. i constantly think about blood, dead bodies, car accidents. i don't understand myself. i'm tired of all the things in my room, no more possessions. but i know if i had a chance to throw everything out i wouldn't. i'm ready to get up and go, move on, start something else. i've got things to finish though and i know i just have to shut the hell up and deal with it. finish them. i'm going to go do that right now actually.

is there any use in searching?

being selfish may lead to unselfishness

its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its not you its not you its not you
its always been me

constipation

there's something i want to say but i just don't know what that is or who i want to say it to.

friday i'm in love

the destruction of the perfect home destroys me. i don't know your name, i barely know your story but you made me cry.

also corny men who use the same jokes and tactics for at least two years have no place in my heart. you suck. get a real job. (am i really still thinking about this guy?)


i am becoming more and more frustrated with my home. i don't need your help, just your money.


mirah is my new love.

"I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."

i have become really excited for the future (sometimes).

maybe its graduation, going to school, summer. i know it doesn't hold anything that would make me even more happier than i already (sometimes) am. the possibility of something new and somewhat of independence makes me feel proud (sometimes). i've done it, it's being done. i have served a detention, lost my virginity,painted some pictures and shaken a former president's hand. i can now die saying i have lived. (and sometimes living).

"because we are stuck"

I WILL BE A GOOD SISTER. I HAVE TO BE.



bright eyes "a collection of songs"

back and forth, its like the weather

if you know me then you know that i get into these kinds of moods where im just stupid, crazy.
that's me, right now.

i've learned that there won't ever be anything exciting to do, and the only times that you can have a good one is when you're not doing much at all. i also learned you can't fight this weather. no matter how hard you try to enjoy the sun outside on the grass, the wind will always be there. "march-its in like a lion, and out like a lamb!" we just gotta sit this one out.

curiosity killed the cat

I had fun with the dreams I had. I just wish I never went back.
But if I ever decide I want to live in Bucks County when I have a family, this will be my residence.



I'm going to make a book about coincidences occurring in my life, there are plenty.



Could have the cats turned on the lights?

my teeth are perfect

sometimes just sitting in my room is the best thing to do.

oh no.

things i did
over
over
things to do
get over


messy and dead

one

laying here in my bed, waiting for spring.
i bought some lilacs today instead of a candle.
cleaned my room.