My relationship with my mother is forming. I have forgiven her over and over. I always will, she's my mother and that's just the kind of person I am. Before I wondered if I started to give a shit about her recovery, started visiting her, maybe she would get better. But figured it's not my business, not my fault. Now shes at some rehab on Broad and Spring Garden so she's really close. Literally every Saturday I see her. She has AA meetings near my school so I even get to have lunch with her during my classes on Friday. We're starting to understand eachother, although I think she's learning more about me, more about being a "mother". She says she doesn't want to use or drink. She's in a city full of bars and drug dealers so to me, that's an incredible accomplishment. I believe her too. She doesn't like where she's at, she's really trying to get out of there and start living a normal life away from the city. But shit isn't working out with the apartment she is getting. Pissed she said to me "Maybe I'll max out and go back to Muncy" (something like that. Muncy is the female prison she was at, and I have no idea exactly what max out means.)Obvisouly, Muncy isn't good, it's a step back. And it's frustrating because now I have to be around her as much as I can. I would feel very responsible if things fucked up for her. When I had work last week she went to Norristown to hang out with an old friend. Norristown is my least favorite town, made my mother into the piece of shit she can be. It's where she ran away from me and my grandma at a fucking McDonalds probably to go hang out with that stupid fuck she was with. Me and my friends laugh at it now although its still heartbreaking. Basically what I'm trying to say is sometimes I don't want to be around her but I'm going to feel bad if I say no.
I'm not a good girlfriend. I'm a poor person. And I'm not sure when it's going to change.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!
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