ouch

I've always had this thought in my head that if I wasn't around you or paid enough attention to you when you were free, you'd go back into the cycle and it would be my fault, you could blame me but this time you can't. In one way it shows how much you don't need me in your life or recovery. In another its saying you weren't thinking of me. Either way it hurts, I can dig deep and find a means to make the situation better or how I could have done differently but how many times do I need to do this until the truth comes to the surface? How many times is this going to happen before you understand? How many times before I stop caring? How am I going to know if this is the last time? My life and success is all because of you but I'm sick of using you as a reason, but I will use you in that way as long as you fail me time and time again. I make myself believe that I should feel guilty when I have my fun with the substance you have abused. I'm tired of your problem controlling my life. I want to do what I want to do. You can't be absent as a mother the whole time I was a kid and now expect to keep me in your arms now that I'm becoming an adult. I'm getting out of here, it might be too late for us and that's not going to be my fault. That's you.