ouch

I've always had this thought in my head that if I wasn't around you or paid enough attention to you when you were free, you'd go back into the cycle and it would be my fault, you could blame me but this time you can't. In one way it shows how much you don't need me in your life or recovery. In another its saying you weren't thinking of me. Either way it hurts, I can dig deep and find a means to make the situation better or how I could have done differently but how many times do I need to do this until the truth comes to the surface? How many times is this going to happen before you understand? How many times before I stop caring? How am I going to know if this is the last time? My life and success is all because of you but I'm sick of using you as a reason, but I will use you in that way as long as you fail me time and time again. I make myself believe that I should feel guilty when I have my fun with the substance you have abused. I'm tired of your problem controlling my life. I want to do what I want to do. You can't be absent as a mother the whole time I was a kid and now expect to keep me in your arms now that I'm becoming an adult. I'm getting out of here, it might be too late for us and that's not going to be my fault. That's you.

note to self:

I'm going to take this time to say FUCK YOU.
relapse! relapse! relapse! what a BIG surprise.

I will never be like you.

HEY!

soo this was my last day at drexel (i'm still going to try to make it to the gym though). my next month and a half will be dedicated to me. i'm going to do whatever i want. first off going to miami with dingleberry then (VS bikini dayum)..there's nothing in the cards. i'm going to try to volunteer, help my resume a bit. my roommate suggested working with her, as part of the drug and alcohol rehabilitation staff. i'm not opposed to the idea at all, it's in bensalem though which is pretty far away...

anyway what i really wanted to say was: with more free time, i'd like to sew more often. but i'm used to sewing on myself and not making clothes for others...if you have something you want me to make i'd be glad to do it for you (just buy the fabric,etc.) i'll gain more experience, which would be great. (kind of what bree's doing with free hair cuts) soo keep me in mind k?

i'm also looking to buy a decent bike for about $100 or less. any suggestions or tips, let me know.

the note seems pointless now that the problem is gone. its a constant negative reminder.

It's finished! and it only took less than one day! fabric was only $6 and the belt was $2. this is a bad emo picture...but you get it.


when cutting the skirt i made a mistake and didn't cut enough..but i'm going to turn it into a high waisted pencil skirt. i've never worn those out in public or had a reason to so take me out. here's a picture from aa. mine's going to be black, different fabric and much cheaper than aa (less than $2!!)




i also bought lace so i'll be making some undies!

okay that was stupid

i just wanted to say that these mittens are so cute..

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=21511079


i haven't started on the dress yet and thinking about what i planned to do today (go home and probably do nothing) would be a silly idea b/c i'll be around on Tuesday and Thursday. I have a research paper to write but I can't make myself get it done until last minute (which is tonight). So until it reaches that point, I'm going to start making my dress.

also if you're into this kind of crafty stuff check out craftster.org they have a ton of DIY projects.