i can't change my mould

nothing is satisfying, right now nothing. i hate the responsibility that will be placed on me but responsibility is what i'm looking forward to. i don't want to be this fucking low life i am right now, i'm young and i'm suppose to be but i tend to hate everything more when i don't have anything to do or when there is no motivation. i am happy when i'm forced into something but can't stand you forcing me into this bullshit again. there's a reason. i'm really frustrated right now. i need not to be alone thinking about how fucking retarded i am or how much i hate everyone. i'm happier when i fake a smile to a stranger. actually i think i love swimming in my own bullshit. i feel the cycle approaching.

however i really believe routine and responsibility will make me happy. but happiness to me is distraction. a job, an education, rent and bills to pay, a schedule for my day and constant to do lists will distract me from me. excellent.